Waiting is Over

It's back - tonight 9pm C4. Green Wing - the stylish, surreal, funny and often incredibly rude version of Casualty on a bad acid trip is back. Enjoy.

With free Debbie Aldridge!

If At First You Don't Succeed......

Vanity Fair, Bonfire of the Vanities, War and Peace - the common link?

I've started all of these books on several occasions and then just given up - I've started War & Peace at least 4 times, get a couple of hundred pages in and then....

Another book for me in this category is The Road Less Travelled by M Scott Peck. I've had a copy for at least 10 years and have started it numerous times. So 'as a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly'.

The first three words in the book are 'Life is difficult' - an interesting start.

The second page says 'most of us are mentally ill to a greater or lesser degree' - I knew it!

Reading chapter 6 leads me to conclude that I'm neurotic - I can almost hear some of you going 'well, duh!!'

So far I've carried on and got to the stuff on being honest and open. Interesting. I consider myself very honest - I'm a useless liar and if asked a straight question will give an honest answer. However, openness is different. I'm a private person - remember this blog doesn't contain my name. If asked, for example, 'what is the creative course you're considering doing', if I don't particular feel ready to share that I won't lie, but I will say that's private (at least for now) - there's the distinction for me - I'm honest, but not prepared to be that open, yet.

There is a good side to this; people know that I'm discreet and that if they share something private or in confidence it will stay that way - an important quality I feel. However, bearing that in mind and always respecting confidences, I know that I ought to be more open and have been working on it in 2006; indeed to some extent this blog is part of that.

My birthday is coming up soon so, as is my manner, I'm being a little reflective on various things - looking back at the past year and forward to the next. As part of this I'm going to do an experiment. Next Weds evening I'll be doing a very reflective, but also a very honest and open post about the past year and looking ahead. The post will be probably be the longest I've done. I'm sure parts will be very dull but it will also contain some stuff which will be quite personal. The posting will also only be around until Friday lunchtime - mainly because I think it will be far too long, but also because it will contain some deeper stuff/surprises and my aim is that the bulk of this blog should be light and frothy. Plus, it's an experiment - time limited openness!

Now you're all thinking 'what is he going to write?'

And no, it's not that!

A Real ID Ten T

This morning on the train bloke sat opposite me and got his mobile phone out. Immediately my heart sinks.

"Hello. This is Mike. I'm on the train. Have just dropped the little one off at nursery. I've got nothing to add and I'll be on mute all day."

So, he phoned up someone to say he had nothing say? What the hell did that add to the sum of human knowledge?

Then again what did this post?

Still - was good to vent.

Custard and Pudding

Last night I went to - according to the Independent's listing mag on Saturday - the third best gig in London this week - Sigur Ros. Yep, I'm *that* trendy I needed some Icelandic rock. The preview said,

"The other worldly Icelandic dreamscape quartet touch down again on the back of their nape teasing Takk..... album, which pours the custard of joyous chorales all over their tasty prog and post rock flavoured soundscape puddings. Yum."

All I could think was... mmmh....custard ......puddings.

So, how was it? Have to admit I did have a brief thought that it was a touch of the emperor's new clothes, for example,
....there was a lot of use of xylophones and a brass ompah bit....
....the drum intro to one track made me want to start singing Vienna by Ultravox....
....the start of several tracks did sound like they would be good on adverts - I half expected to hear Joss Ackland/Robert Powell say something like, "the waiting is over, now is the time, there is a new type of diesel"....well, it worked for Moby....

However, it was thoroughly enjoyable evening. It really got me thinking/reflecting and generally my mind was a bit hyperactive afterwards - got very little sleep last night as my thoughts were racing.

A great gig and great company - I even managed to have a couple of pints and not start confessing to all sorts of things. Mind you, after another who knows? Would have probably been admitting to lots of stuff.....

Was no pudding or custard though......

More Random Stuff

Have a look at this. I actually know this person and he has given me, I believe the young people are calling it, 'a shoutout' on his developing blog. Am I happy to know him - hell yeah, how many Leo Sayer lookalikes do you know?

Am currently debating doing some sort of 'creative' evening class from April. Not saying anything else as I think it could be the dumbest thing I've attempted - it was 'inspired' back in December in a pub conversation, and I've already said too much.

The more observant may have noticed that I've 'bravely' added a web counter to this blog. Should have done it from the start but I'm only just getting into my geek tendencies. Could be interesting - have already discovered I'm not the only one reading this! Bless you all.

More Babies on Board

I've already shared my view about what I think about Baby on Board signs in cars - see Feb 12th.

Now I see we have this - a Baby on Board badge for expectant mothers on public transport. I actually think this is a good idea - if nothing else it will prevent the situation Jimmy Carr so wonderfully describes;

"I don't give up my seat for pregnant women - I think it's better to see a pregnant woman stand, than a fat girl sitting down crying"

The 'Plus Guest' Dilemma

Also known as 'spare ticket syndrome'. I've often been the recipient of the spare ticket - occasionally at the 11th hour and even with the phrase, "you're not the first person I've tried". Perhaps surprisingly, this actually doesn't bother me in the slightest as I've got to see events which I would never have otherwise seen - it's one of the advantages of being single. (I think the other is being able to eat chocolate hob-nobs in bed without complaints from your partner.)

However, sometimes I get the 'plus guest' invite - such as the Tate stuff the other week - and from the 'other side' it can be a different story. As I don't have a spouse/ partner/ significant other/ soulmate/ latest fling (delete where applicable), the 'obvious' choice is not there. Similarly, I might know a couple who would like to go, but that's more than 'plus one'. Issue then becomes can I find someone who I'd like to take along, who would enjoy it, and, importantly, agree to go with me?

I admit it is not always easy - people already have lives! If I can't find a plus one, then do I still go to the event as a billy no mates/strong, confidant, and eligible man about town?? (again, delete where applicable) I also think that metropolitan female singletons have a slight advantage here as they can often call upon 'their gay male friend'.

I did find people to go to both Tate events - admittedly after a couple of declinations - and on both occasions it was enjoyable and great to catch up with people. However, it has highlighted that at certain times, as Marvin Gaye sang, 'it takes two'.

Then again he also sang 'the world is just a great big onion' so what the hell did he know........

The Therapy of Retail

Another pottering weekend (note to self - is this now a rut?). Ended up doing a little retail therapy. Was very interesting on Saturday afternoon around the shops. There were lots of fed up Dads dragging their bored offspring around saying,

"What do you think Mum would like......... other than chocolates or flowers."

I heard these exact words more than once!

Smell The Bull

Was in a 2 hour meeting this morning. I did wonder whether it was a spoof but the following phrases were used in all seriousness;

"..we need a service oriented architecture....there are 2 threads, orchestration and choreography..."
"...we're moving from a solutions based approach to a business benefits approach..."
"...need to move from the shrink wrapped technology view of the world..."
"...glue it to functionality..."
"...pigs can swim..."
"...bringing in the bubbles..."
"...out of silos..."
"...lozenges not bubbles..."
"...we've identified strands not the bubbles..."

I mean I can talk management speak with the best of them - and, perhaps embarrassingly, have the qualifications to prove it - but what the hell was all that about!

A Grand Day Out

Been reading B**llocks to Alton Towers: Uncommonly British Days Out. It was published last year as a sort of stockingfiller/funny book and has now come out in paperback.

It's a celebration of wonderfully eccentric British tourist spots, including such delights as the British Lawnmower Museum, Morpeth Bagpipe Museum and Gnome Magic. A funny read and one written with affection rather than snobbery or sneering.

However, what's surprised me is that I've already been to half a dozen of the places listed - not sure what that says about me..... Have to admit that last year I did enjoy the delicious irony of following large tourist signposts saying "Secret Nuclear Bunker" across rural Essex. The Kelvedon Nuclear Bunker is a very 'British Day Out' and well worth a visit. This book celebrates another 40 such places - a great 'train read'.

Horrible Thoughts??

Walking through Waterloo Station the advert headline for the Evening Standard vendors was "Terrorist plot to blow up Bluewater." I thought, well..... if there were no workers, shoppers or animals injured...... If it was Lakeside......

Self indulgently typed "smittyonline" into Google. Bit of shock to be honest - blimey Google's clever. Does ask if I meant 'smithkline' though..........

Overheard

Last night walking back from the station a young woman walking behind me said loudly in to her mobile phone,

"...and when I got home I found Bessie had pissed and crapped in the washing basket."

I really hope Bessie is a dog or cat - else she sounds like the flatmate from hell.

Random Stuff - You Have Been Warned...

Been a very quiet weekend - one of pottering and doing very little - a full resident of Llareggub. Good to do very little once in a while - but have a doubt. Am I'm missing out on the fun and sophistication I imagine everyone else must be having, and where was my invite??

Anyway, a quiet weekend means time to think - always a worry ;o) Here are some of my random thoughts etc. from the past few days;

...the Weds post was entitled 'to sleep; perchance to dream'. Spookily I had a dream that very night, and I rarely dream. Am I going to share it with you - hell no!!

...on the train each day I go past The Huge Cheese Company (London) Limited - it passes the Ronseal test but are there approved sizes of cheese? Is huge smaller or larger than massive? Do Wallace and Grommit know? Where do gigantic cheeses fit in?

...came across a greyhound rescue charity shop in a small village in Surrey. How many greyhounds are there in Surrey? Of this small (?) amount, how many need rescuing? Or am I just really ignorant?...

...put on my plain 'hoodie' (which I hardly wear) today. Just as women over a certain age should stop wearing miniskirts, and men over 20 shouldn't wear leather trousers (though I feel these are rarely ever a good idea), at what age does a hooded top cease to be viable? Unless it's a cagoule...

...noticed on the church weekly newsletter that my name and details were there as an update - bit of a surprise, guess this means they sort of vaguely accept me?? Noticed that they got the details wrong though...

...saw Good Night and Good Luck. Excellent film - Doug Ross hasn't half come on a long way...

But Is It Art??

I’m a Friend of the Tate - wouldn’t say it was a deep friendship but about 5/6 times a year I (plus guest) get to go to an evening viewing of their latest exhibition. It can be a thoroughly enjoyable evening; the Degas and Stanley Spencer exhibition viewings particularly stick in my mind as they had the right combination of exhibition, guest and people watching.

This past Tuesday evening was the Albers & Moholy-Nagy exhibition at Tate Modern. I’d heard of neither but the art was the stuff I like - quite modernist, stuff I’d like in my flat. Modernist art does have tendency to take itself a bit seriously. For example, the description in Room 11 starts, “Colour had been dropped from the Bauhaus [a German arts school] curriculum in 1928”. How does an arts school not teach colour?? The final room contained numerous paintings of squares of different colours. Apparently this was the artist’s signature series, which he spent 26 years (!) continuing, and is known as Homage to the Square (er?). I liked the art, but it’s the sort of stuff I look at and think ‘I could do that‘ - perhaps that's why I like it. In modernist exhibitions the very first painting should be a still-life, by the artist, of a bowl of fruit thus ’proving’ they can draw - after that fair enough I say.

Thursday evening was Gothic Nightmares at Tate Britain. As someone whose entire knowledge of Greek mythology is drawn from watching Xena: Warrior Princess (which I don’t think is 100% reliable) I don’t feel I fully appreciated some of the works. However, I got the Biblical and Shakespearean references so all was not lost. Some of the works were pretty dark but a least it looked like something; no two slightly different coloured lines on a square here.

Both exhibitions are worth a nose - but what I really like about the evening viewings is the people watching. The modernist evening was complete with people wearing berets and others speaking French. The Gothic one was a bit strange in that in one room, rather than admire the art, one women really loved the Tate wallpaper so much she actually stroked it…….

"To sleep; perchance to dream"

Wednesday lunchtime - that tipping point in the week when the weekend ahead is nearer than the weekend past. Warning - this will be a pretty random post.......

I seem to have developed a habit/quirk of writing bizarre things in emails (which probably go on too long) and/or saying stupid things - you know, out loud and everything. Examples from the past couple of weeks include;

"Women over size 8 shouldn't really wear patterned dresses."

"..nor do you have the transvestite/transsexual look of Trinny or the 'mumsy' qualities of Susannah..."

"..to be honest I never thought I'd still be single @ 34 so perhaps I come at this from a different angle. Hope? Desperation? Let's go with hope - sounds better.... ;o)"

"...personally I'd like to book the lookalike anyway..."

They seem to make sense at the time, but, well????

Been a strange past 10 days or so. I've been back to Birmingham to help my Mum move to a new flat and to also attend a funeral, been to a couple of business type/committee meetings in the evenings, been to a wedding, spoken to auditors, and been to a modernist art exhibition (more on that later this week). So some has been great and other not so good - I'll leave you to work out what might fall where. All have combined with the usual stuff of life - queuing in Tesco, going to work, South West Trains being generally crap etc.

Currently tired and at that stage where I know if I actually stop, things will probably grind to a halt - all a bit weird and I need some down time and a decent couple of nights sleep. Not too easy as have various stuff on my mind at the moment - nothing 'major' just 'stuff'. Being asked 'are you happy?' has also got me thinking a bit. My initial thought was to remember what Rev Lovejoy in The Simpsons replied to a similarly deep question;

"Rev Lovejoy, is there a God?"
"Short answer, no if....... Long answer, yes but."

It's only got me thinking a bit because so far 2006 has been a bit, well, pants really. In November/December I was quite optimistic about various things and actually looking forward to the year ahead - a very unusual thing for me!! But it's already mid-March and 2006 has not yet blossomed how I envisaged or hoped on a number of levels. It seems to be grinding along - but there is still a lot of the year left so who knows?.?.?.

So am I happy? As Vicky Pollard would say........

Are you H-A-P-P-Y?

A great wedding yesterday - the whole event, the ceremony and the reception were wonderful. The bride looked stunning, the groom suitably dashing and handsome, the vows were exchanged with feeling and emotion (and some tears), the reception had a lovely atmosphere, speeches were good and funny, the band played a mix of 80s classics, and I had a little (very bad) dance. I even got to have a hold of a lovely little baby. Thoroughly enjoyable - it was a wedding you were really glad to have been invited to and it had plenty of that vital 'vibe'.

Couple of things - the wedding ceremony vows contain the phrase "with my body I honour you". I've seen my body - I'm not sure I could say that line with straight face ;o)

Talking to someone at the reception they asked "are you happy?" Bit deep I thought - I was more prepared for 'are you going anywhere nice on holiday' conversations. They then followed it by saying "you look happy." This intrigued me - I look numerous things - sometimes docile, occasionally vacant, a bit like Barry from Eastenders - but happy would not be the first thing that sprung to mind. Guess it was being at such a happy event - or the free flowing champagne!

"My eyebrow wax is in 5"

I'm off to a wedding, which should be lovely. I like the vibe of wedding days and I've been fortunate in that virtually all the weddings I've been to have had a great vibe - the receptions and ceremonies may differ, but the vibe is the key. I've also been privileged to have been a best man on two occasions - although I do wonder if that could be the male equivalent of always the bridesmaid.....

Today I'll be travelling by public transport, which adds a bit of fun - dressed for a wedding as you sit down next to the shoppers off to M&S or Primark gets you the odd look. Hopefully there won't be too many 4 Weddings moments - saying something stupid and ending up banging my head against a post or being on a table from hell - and I'm looking forward to a great day with that all important wedding vibe.

So with a fresh haircut and eyebrow trim (bizarrely even though I have a lack of hair I now spend more time in hairdressers looking after the little I have than I used to when I had long, flowing, ponytailed locks - and I get offered eyebrow trims?!?!) I will be wearing a new pink shirt to make a 'style statement'. Not sure what the statement is; it's either 'sex on a stick' (I do on occasion scrub up well) or 'yes, I know I look like a junior manager in an out of town hotel'......

Buffalo versus Bison

Have been back in Birmingham for a couple of days topping up my accent. Reminded me of a old Brummie joke;

Question - "What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?"
Answer (needs to be delivered in a broad Brummie accent) "Yow can't wash yowr hands in a buffalo, but yow can wash yowr hands in a bison.........."

Just need slip on my comedy anorak as today contains the sad news of the loss of two more comedy talents. Surreal does not do justice to Ivor Cutler - even the phrase 'unique talent' doesn't capture it - after him the mould was truely broken.

John Junkin, like Ivor Cutler, appeared in a Beatles film but was more 'old school'. A prolific writer his credits spanned from the Ted Ray Show in the 50s right up to Jon Culshaw in the noughties. OK he did write for Little & Large and Jim Davidson, but his work also included Morecombe and Wise, Marty Feldman and appearing in The Plank (with Tommy Cooper and Eric Sykes). As I said, old school but still a comedic loss.

Italian Stallion or Handsome Buck??

One of the surprising joys of blogging has been getting feedback - people emailing directly or commenting when I see them. For example,
...someone said that they can hear my voice as they read it - the 'hearing voices' bit is slightly worrying but it was a nice bit of feedback...
...several people have commented to me on the entry about my grandparents 65th wedding anniversary (see 19th Dec) which has been lovely...
...the Valentine's Day entry has polarised people - some liked it but others thought I was really putting myself down. Definitely not what I was intending - it's interesting how differently people can read things. For the record I am aware I'm a handsome, smart, funny and fully housed trained man who, let's not deny it, possesses a raw Brando-esque sexuality - but being British one doesn't want to draw attention to the fact ;o)...

Anyway, back in the 'real' world I've also had some feedback on the pink shirt question (see 23rd Feb). So far those who've expressed a preference have all said I could carry it off, though I'm not sure I want to delve too deeply into their reasoning!

Someone recommended I try Boden - spookily only yesterday I received their catalogue as some junk mail. (Forget your flyers for the local pizza/kebab outlet - I live somewhere where you get a Boden catalogue - v. strange.) The options include;

The Handsome Buck Shirt - "This will appeal to the alpha male in you. We’ve added a little bit extra to the collar, buttoned it down, and created a shirt that will make you the stag among stags."

The Italian Stallion Shirt - "Now it has become clear that there is a little bit of Italian Stallion in every one of you, we have put even more effort into creating designs worthy of your social plans. I challenge anyone to resist you in any one of these gorgeous styles."

Not sure I'm ready to phone up and say "I'd like to buy 2 Italian Stallions and a pink Handsome Buck please."

"Spring in the Air"

So when does spring start? Some say it's 1st March, others 21st March. My favourite is 'spring starts when a fair maiden can place a single foot on 7 daisies.' All I know is that it was almost daylight when I left the office tonight - yet snow is forecast - must be spring.

March already! One of my aims for 2006 was to catch up with friends more often - I know some read this blog but it's not the same. Well so far I've failed pretty miserably and the year is racing away - this is something I must rectify in the coming weeks.

'Tis also Lent - traditionally a time when we give something up for 40 days. Never been a practice I've observed but have given it some thought. Considered giving up alcohol for Lent, but I've a wedding to go in 10 days and my birthday falls before Easter - I need to be realistic! Plan (b) under consideration is something achieveable - giving up fruit and vegetables - may not really be in the spirit of Lent though......

tangent/ wondered whatever happened to The Flying Pickets /end tangent