Ever more obscure

My minor celeb spotting reaches ever higher levels of obscurity.

Brian Woolnough at a tube station.

Yes... I know hardly anyone will know who he is...

No... it wasn't that exciting...

Apparently...

...you're supposed to eat your 5 portions of fruit and veg instead of snacks and KitKats...

...not in addition to...

...*that's* where I've been going wrong...

Bouncy?

Passed Jonathan Edwards in the street on the way home...

The 'Magic' Rectangle

OK, I'm not exactly thrilled with the return of BB.

To me it's all the stranger that the few decent TV programmes there are at the moment - and there are very few - seem to have been banished away to digitial channels, such as Friday Night Lights on ITV4, and What About Brian on E4.

Bizarrely the 'best' night on terrestial TV seems to be Sunday evening. The return of Coast - complete with the lovely Dr Alice Roberts - and a new series called Vanished on C5 seem to offer brief respite and an oasis in a TV desert.

When referees start looking younger

There are few tell-tale signs that you're getting older. I had a few on Saturday....

1. I found myself browsing the shirts in Austin Reed...

2. Was at the local rugby league match and kept thinking.... "summer rugby league, it's just not right..."

3. The opponents were Wigan Warriors. Warriors? No! Just Wigan is fine...

4. A couple of the officials looked about 12 - I wouldn't have served them if I ran a pub...

5. I found myself buying a pair of 3/4 length trousers... I'm sorry, I should know better.

Squeeze me

In a recent email a friend commented that I might get to meet their new 'main squeeze'.

The phrase intrigued me - when did you last hear it used?

And 'main'? Does that mean they have a few 'minor squeezes'??

Zodiac

The weather is rubbish so chance to head to the cinema and catch up with a decent movie. Despite containing the attractions of Ms Dunst and Ms Knightley neither Spiderman 3 nor Pirates 3 appeal - both have had bad reviews and appear to be mindnumbing stuff. Indeed both also appear to be bottom numbing given their running times.

Mind you, the 158mins running time of Zodiac didn't put me off. It's had good reviews and is an interesting account of three different people - a cop, a journalist and a political cartoonist - searching for a serial killer and is based on a true story.

The film is set in San Fransisco in the late 60s and 70s and seems to capture the time well. The three leads are interesting and there is some good character acting from Mark Ruffalo and Jake Gyllenhall. The journalist is played by Robert Downey Jr who these days seems to play a version of Robert Downey Jr regardless of the role - but I find him good to watch no matter how much of a self parody he seems to have become.

Be warned, although it's a 15 certificate a couple of the scenes of the killings are pretty tough going - the sort that makes the whole audience wince. They're not gratuitous, but are realistic. Fortunately these scenes are early on and not frequent and the film settles down.

If you're expecting car chases and a court room finale you'll be disappointed - the ending can only hypothesise who done it as the killer was never brought to trial. However, if you like a good character driven piece, with some nice humor in places, then you'll like Zodiac.

Unlike Pirates and Spider 3 this is definitely worth a look.

And how do you know the bride or groom?

Went to a wedding yesterday- well strictly speaking not the actual wedding but the church blessing and reception but it was virtually the same thing.

It was an East meets West occasion. The bride is Indian and a lot of her family had flown in from Mumbai to attend - the groom's from Berkshire. One side of the church was all saris, the other was all middle class home counties suits and hats. It also lead to the reception being a wonderful mix of cultures - we were in a ballroom of a central London hotel, complete with chandeliers, tucking into curry, saag aloo and roti. The music was an entertaining mix of dance floor classics (Groove is in the Heart etc.) and Bollywood style numbers.

Importantly overall the day reflected the styles of the bride and groom - laid back and fun - and there are definitely worse ways to spend a Saturday.

Please engage brain...

... before opening mouth.

Wise words and last night once again demonstrated that I really ought to put them into practice more often.

How was it for you?

Was the last session of my evening class last night and it was a little strange - some of the drama students performed a few of the scenes each of us had written. When I say 'performed' we're not talking about a full Busby Berkeley number - rather a 'workshop' run through of a scene.

It was slightly disconcerting - there were people saying some words I'd written. Would it work? Would they approach it as I thought I'd written it? How would they see things? The really interesting thing about it, and not just my two 'vignettes' but the scenes others had written, was what you thought was good probably wasn't, and some good acting could really make something that didn't initially read well appear pretty good.

Will I return to my 'work in progress'? Who knows...

Website of the week - #41

A few weeks ago I linked to this rather good video.

Of course, there are now the homages and pastiches from people who perhaps have a little too much time on their hands...

This is a pretty good re-enactment by some high school kids and like the pizza delivery in this video.

Of course, there is also the obligatory Lego version.

Downs

Ever had your trousers nibbled by a lamb? More on that later...

Spent the day in beautiful East Sussex catching up with a friend who'd recently moved to Lewes. Always good to catch up with them, especially as without their help and guidance several years ago I wouldn't be where I am now career-wise.

After a fantastic lunch at Bill's Produce Store in Lewes we walked over to Glynde. Great views and lovely weather - as my sun burnt forehead testifies.

After pottering around Glynde for a bit - including a typically English scene of village cricket and a pint at the local pub - we wandered back.

On the way back one of the lambs, for some reason, came gambolling up to me - perhaps I have a certain sleep smell... Anyway it was all very cute and the lamb enjoyed a nibble on trousers.

Not sure its mother was particularly amused as after a while a very angry ewe appeared and charged at me and my friend; we beat a hasty retreat. A pleasant walk, beautiful countryside and catching up with a friend - overall a pretty good day!

Fan Power?

Surely I'm not the only one who raises a wry smile at the irony of Chelsea fans moaning about ticket prices and organising a boycott of overpriced food at Wembley??

Website of the week - #40

For those who want to take offsetting to new levels try this.

Read the small print and beneath it all there is an interesting point.

Wembley Way

Next Saturday the first cup final at the new Wembley?

Nope - today was the first one and I had a ticket to see Kidderminster Harriers take on Stevenage Borough in the FA Trophy, the prime cup competition for non-league clubs.

I like non-league football and have seen both of these clubs at their own grounds - for a couple of years one local Boxing Day derby used to be Hitchin Town v Stevenage, and I've been to Kiddie and also seen them knock Birmingham out of the FA Cup in a third round giant killing a few years back - so I knew what to expect. Mind you it was still weird to leave the tube station and be bombarded with Black Country accents.

Outside the ground it was good to see the crowds looking at the new Booby Moore statue, and the walk up Olympic Way towards the stadium and arch was impressive.

The match was pretty good too - Kiddie taking a 2 goal first half lead for Stevenage to fight back and, just as extra time was looming and with Kiddie missing an equaliser in the final seconds of injury time, snatch victory 3-2. Both teams played decent quality football and this level always gives the fan a chance to see some young up and coming talent alongside the twilight years of a couple of quality older pros - Jeff Kenna was playing for Kiddie with Steve Guppy in the Stevenage line up.

Overall a good game and the 53,000 plus fans made the most of it - complete with the obligatory Mexican waves.

What of the expensive stadium? Well, it's OK. I was in the second row from the back and couldn't complain about the view and the toilet facilities are fine - both of which were major issues at the older Wembley. The noise generated by the fans was great and the place will really rock with a full house. Also the stewarding and policing were excellent and I got away from the ground and onto the tube quickly and easily. But.?.?

Well - the catering facilties are poor - they are pricey, seemed surprised that people wanted to eat and took way too long to serve people - ditto the bars. There also isn't that much circulation room in the concourses and I couldn't find a litter bin all day. Seats and leg room are OK but the boast that every seat 'has more leg room than those of the old Royal Box' is a bit hollow - let's just say the Royals must have had as little room as the fans at the old ground. The biggest problem is the PA system is appalling and would shame a very minor non-league ground - I didn't hear a clear annoucement all afternoon.

Are these minor gripes? Perhaps. But this is a new ground which has cost milions and been very delayed. Hopefully many are 'teething' troubles but who knows - if you're going to the FA Cup Final then I'd recommend eating beforehand or prepare for a long wait. However, the biggest problem for the ground is its location. Wembley is a stadium next to an industrial park and some retail outlets - there is nothing else to do around there. Compare the situation to Cardiff - the Millenium Stadium is superb, atmospheric, well run and smack in the centre of Cardiff. When I went to a FA Cup semi final there a couple of years ago I had a wander round the city and got some food before the match - within 40mins of the final whistle I was sat with friends in a bar overlooking Cardiff Bay. For Wembley the temptations of IKEA and the Brent Cross Shopping Centre are a poor substitute.

Don't get me wrong - it was a great day, a great match and it's a great stadium.

I just prefer Cardiff.

Circus returns to village

I notice that once again the circus has taken up residence on the village green.

With village life you're often aware when a big story is about to break.... all the gazebos, lights and cameras suddenly appear.

Whatever your thoughts about the current PM - it was news management right to the end. Coincidence?

Who lives in a house like this..

Early this evening I was on my way to a meeting and bumped into Loyd Grossman going the other way.

Once again life seems strange...

Website of the week - #39

The theology of Lego.

Also available in book form.

A London Treasure

I don't go to the Victoria & Albert Museum very often - but every time I do I love it and promise to go back. It is a completely mad place.

The general collection can best be described as eclectic - from huge rooms which contain the sort of thing a slightly eccentric uncle collected over the years, to fine pieces of intricate metalwork.

Sculpture mixes with P Diddy designed clothing, and in the 1980s section you can get reacquainted with things you used to have in the house as a kid but are now in the great rubbish dump in the sky.Even the stairways have beautiful ceramic work holding up the banisters.

Off course, being a slightly strange pace it is wonderful for people watching. Londoners enjoying a local treasure, locals from Brompton popping in to use the cafe, bemused tourists, and a higher than I'd expect number of young Bridget Jones types out with their 'gay best friend' - though that's probably due to the current Kylie exhibition.

A fascinating way to while away a couple of hours.

Cyber Friends

Had a look at my MySpace space.

I have 2 friends - and one of them is Tom who seems to be a mate to the whole world...

Mind you, given that I don't really know how to work MySpace, haven't told anyone where it is and, indeed, even forgot that I had such a thing, I guess I've 2 more cyber friends than I ought...

I'm not a huge fan but...

...I do seem to go to more Bon Jovi concerts than necessary. Last year I ended up watching them in Milton Keynes and later this year I'm seeing them play the first gig at the revamped Dome. It's more to with venues - I've never been to the Dome, even when I lived just 2 tube stops away - than the band, honest.

However, I did find myself in a finance meeting today looking at an income line that was about 50% on target. I heard myself saying outloud,

"Oh, we're halfway there,
Oh, we're living on a prayer."

People did laugh - but it probably also confirmed much what they suspected about me.

RIP OC

So farewell then to The OC.

Now I've admitted in the past to The OC being one of my guilty pleasures. Yes it was shallow, superficial and full of some annoying Californian teens. However, in its defence it was well written, often willing to parody itself, killed off one of its major characters, and had Jim Robinson in a major role for a couple of seasons before he headed off to become the owner of Mode Magazine.

To its credit the final episode did what final episodes should do - a couple of knowing references to teen dramas lasting too long, the loose ends about who ends with who all tied up, and above all the wonderful news that Pancakes the rabbit had a family.

Overall, The OC passed the Ronseal test - it did exactly what it said on the tin. Very witty and funny it was a true ensemble piece - none of the characters were wasted with Ryan, Taylor, Julie, Seth, Summer and the Bullet all adding to the show. All the actors had great comedy timing and in Sandy it possessed the most magnificent pair of eyebrows ever to grace the magic rectangle.

Shallow? Absolutely - it contained the depth of a British reservoir in the middle of a heatwave - but what has British TV got to offer in the way of an hour's TV escapism? Holby City??

Chrismukkah will be missed.

Website of the week - #37

I'm sure many of you have already tried this but for those that haven't, follow these steps:

1. Go to www.google.co.uk
2. Click on maps.
3. Click on get directions.
4. Go from "New York" to "Paris, France".
5. Scroll down in the directions to number 24.

This mass of humanity....

Head off to introduce my weekend visitor to the delights of watching the London Marathon. A very pleasant day weatherwise - so long as you are watching and not competing!

Had my annual internal debate of thinking "well, if they could it surely I could?" Hopefully the rash thought will pass - it usually does after a bar of chocolate.

Whilst you have to admire the sheer achievement of all these people - and be thankful for the huge amount of money raised for various charities - part of me can't help thinking there must be something more, well, constructive all these people could be doing...

And I don't care how much he raises for charity, people like the bloke 'amusingly' running the whole thing in 'slow motion' just shouldn't be encouraged (see here).

I know - just the incoherent ramblings of a grumpy old man starting another KitKat.

;o)

Tonight with...

Was spending some time catching up with a friend and we headed to Richmond. Ended up in a subterranean Mexican restaurant. So far, so normal.

Then, half way through our main course in walks 'national institution' Sir Trevor. On his own he quietly takes a table, orders and eats his meal - looked like burger accompanied with a glass of red wine, for those who need to know these things. At the end of his meal he politely poses for a couple of photos with other diners and heads off.

All slightly strange to be honest - and he's shorter than you imagine.

Darling Doris

Saw someone using a call box the other day. It wasn't a tourist posing in front of a red phone box for a photo - nor was it someone using it as a public convenience. I actually saw someone making a phone call from a public call box in a suburban high street.

Strange? Well yes - in these days of mobile phones when was the last time you used a call box? Do you even know where your nearest one is?

Perhaps Darling Doris is making a comeback.

Here comes the sun

Hope you've enjoyed the lovely weather of late.

If nothing else it has given you warning of the silly trouser lengths the fashionable man about town will be wearing this summer.

The Lives of Others

OK, so a film that lasts over 2 hours, contains no car chases, is set in East Germany in the 1980s, is about the Stasi spying on a playwright, and is in German does not sound the most appetising film. However, having been really disappointed with the films released so far in 2007 - so much so that I've not seen a film since Hot Fuzz - this film more than makes up for them all. It is quite simply superb.

It is the story of a Stasi officer who is told to place under surveillance a playwright by a government minister who is having an affair with the playwright's girlfriend and wants some dirt on him. The officer is lonely and gets drawn into the playwright's life and the film unfolds thus.

It is wonderfully written, has an excellent pace and combines moments of tension with some very funny moments. I know, a German film complete with jokes - who'd have thought it? Just as it reaches the climax - there is a wonderful coda at the end of the film which could have ruined it, but adds poignantly to the story.

Deserving recent winner of the Best Foreign Language Oscar this is simply the first 'must see' film of 2007.

A Hundred Miles or More

Having not bought any music for quite a while I seem to have found a bit of streak. There are very few artists whose recordings I'd buy unheard, but Alison Krauss and Union Station are one. Not a particularly well known artist in the UK, I found it a bit bizarre when I saw a TV ad promoting her new album as the 'Album of the Week' at Sainsburys - so off I toddled.

Now I've been a AKUS fan since their wonderful Now That I've Found You: A Collection 1995 release containing the simply beautiful "When You Say Nothing At All" (latterly completely ruined by Ronan Keating on the Notting Hill soundtrack - another reason to not like Ronan). Some of the releases since have been superb, such as Lonely Runs Both Ways, and other have been a bit, well disappointing, such as Forget About It.

A Hundred Miles or More: A Collection is a bit hit and miss - it contains some new stuff, some film soundtrack songs she has recorded (including from the Prince of Egypt OST!) and one track from The Best of Country Sing the Best of Disney recording (no, I'm not making that up!).

With some excellent new tracks written by Julie Lee (a great artist in her own right), a couple of songs from the Cold Mountain and O Brother Where Art Thou soundtracks, and the excellent Whiskey Lullaby, it's still better than 99% of the other stuff that makes it on to CD. The best starting point with AKUS for newbies is their truly superb Live CD/DVD, but this is definitely worth a listen.

Website of the week - #36

Slightly depressed that the skiing season is now pretty much over? Feel you have a long wait until the next season?

Fear not - there is an alternative.

Spring in the air?

Perhaps it's the time of year, perhaps it's because it's my birthday, perhaps it's because spring is the air, but earlier this week I found myself buying a pink jumper...

It's described as rose, but, well, I can't hide the truth - it's a shade of pink.

I know, I know - an early mid life crisis?

We shall see - not yet bought a wig/sports car, nor am I dating a model/actress/whatever young enough to be my daughter.

Mind you...

Personal Follies

Spend the day with friends in rural Shropshire wondering around Hawkstone Park - a beautiful but slightly weird place complete with monuments and follies.

I quite like monuments and follies, those completely pointless edifices built in the middle of nowhere for no apparent reason. They often seem to have been built by slightly eccentric Victorian estate owners - the phrase "he never married or had children" regularly seems to appear in any accompanying historical text - on remote parts of their country estates.

I wonder what the 21st century equivalent is??

Probably blogs...

Catching up

Spending a few days back in Birmingham. With it being Easter some people are away which gives me the chance to catch up with other people, people I've not seen for a while.

It's a very pleasant way to spend the day and it got me thinking a little. Firstly, if I'd stayed in Brum how different my life would have been - not better or worse, just different.

Secondly, I'm intrigued how friendships work, how you can pick up with people you've not seen for a while and though things have moved on, you still have that foundation, those common roots, which are the key - things paradoxically are different, yet the same.

Cuilidh

Have recently stumbled across the excellent new album by Julie Fowlis. Not your average recording - it's a Scottish album sung in Gaelic containing a beautiful collection of folk songs inspired by and relating to the Outer Hebrides.

It fascinates me that the artist is from North Uist, which is remote even by Hebridean standards! For me this is part of the attraction - having spent a brief spell in the Hebrides last September (see here) I can see how the beauty, the landscape, and the isolation can inspire.

A beautiful location has led to a wonderful album - enjoy, it could be one of the sleeper hits of 2007.

Website of the week - #35

I can't work out whether this ad is a bit sexist or actually very clever and funny.

However, this is a great time saver - all six Rocky movies in seconds.

Soulmates

From today's Observer.

"Gorgeous girl, 34, seeks balding, cheating, lying, no good rat, with a beer gut, to replace lost love. Genuine answers only please."

Finally, the ad I've been waiting for...

Does My Bum Look Big In This?

Often amazed what you can find locally - only this afternoon I came across these two blue plaques. And yes, I've got a new digital camera. Anyway...

I'm constantly amazed by the amount of men who get dragged shopping on Saturday afternoon by their female partners. There appears to be a whole generation of men incapable of purchasing their own clothes and are only allowed to buy clothes in the presence of their 'significant female'. Outside one shoe shop a women was talking to her partner - in front of their two small children - VERY... SLOWLY... AND... DELIBERATELY... as if telling off a five year old.

"What you need to do is, when you see it, write down the name of the style of shoe you like and then we'll able to find it."

The man was very quite, examining the pavement at his feet.

Friday Night Lights

Don't know how often people end up flicking on to ITV4 but currently it's hosting one of the best shows on TV. Friday Night Lights (Weds 8pm, ITV4) is the spin off series from the recent eponymous movie, in turn based on a best selling book. It follows the ups and downs of a high school football team; crudely it could be described as 'redneck Dawson's Creek' - teenage small town americana without the naval gazing.

It features an excellent cast, has Peter Berg, Jason Katims and Brian Grazer as executive producers, and with the obligatory WG Snuffy Walden theme tune it is the sort of top class TV production that the US can do so well. The US make Dawson's Creek, the UK gets Grange Hill - the US get The OC, we get Hollyoaks. The nearest equivalent to Friday Night Lights I could think of in the UK is DreamTeam, or even worse, Jossys Giants.

One thing I don't understand is how this show - a ratings winner on NBC - has ended up on ITV4. It deserves a wider audience.

The written word

Apparently I can write dialogue well, but there's 'not enough conflict'. Perhaps I'm too nice?

Oh yes, and there is a lack of plot...

I mean, really, since when was a plot "essential"?

What do Polar Bears have for lunch?

Had a sandwich for lunch which was made with 'polar bread'.

No, I've no idea what that is...

Yes, this blog has a new level of banality...

Website of the week -#34

Bore friends with offbeat movie trivia - Movie Mistakes

Let's Talk Sex

Is Davina McCall going to be the Jamie Oliver of sex??

On Friday night C4 showed an excellent programme where Davina argued for a radical overhaul of sex and relationships education (SRE) in the UK. She wants it to start early, be consistent, and be compulsory.

The programme highlighted the appalling state of sexual health in the UK - one of the highest rates of teenage pregnancy and STIs in Europe - and contrasted the situation with that in the Netherlands,who have a far better sexual health record.

Yep, the programme was pretty graphic - especially considering it was pre the 9pm watershed - and no doubt many of the green ink letter writing fraternity have already put pen to paper. However, the programme demonstrated that the UK approach to SRE - which still seemed to be the appalling and brief 'part A goes into part B' approach I was subjected to 20 years ago - just isn't working.

I'm a bigger fan of Davina than I am of Jamie, but credit to him he raised awareness of a key issue and I hope Davina has similar success. For more info - and to see how much you know - see here and take the test.

...and scenes of a sexual nature...

Have you noticed that all films, next to their classification, now have a brief warning describing why they got that certification, such as 'contains strong language'?

I'm beginning to wonder to whether this is now going a bit too far. Below are descriptions relating to the films showing at a local cinema. What films do you reckon they belong to??

"Contains references to the mistreatment of slaves and mild language."

"Contains images of ecological disasters."

"Contains mild sex references and sporting violence."

"Contains irresponsible behaviour."

The answers are - Amazing Grace, An Inconvenient Truth, Becoming Jane, Mr Bean's Holiday.

Particularly like the warnings for An Inconvenient Truth and Mr Bean's Holiday.

Work it baby

Had a post work wine and nibbles 'networking event' to go to. Never completely comfortable at these sort of things. Bit strange really - I'd quite happily stand in front of a couple of hundred people and give a talk or presentation, but stick me in a room with warm white wine, trays of nibbles, and people I don't know and I'm a complete fish out of water.

I sometimes wonder if it might hamper my career somehow - the missed opportunity, the demonstration of 'poor' social skills - nevermind my social life. It's just a situation I struggle with, something that's neither natural to me, nor with which I'm comfortable.

This is why I've never tried speed-dating. Well, this and numerous other reasons...

Website of the week - #33

How about this for a job??

Bringing up wind

I find myself in the very strange position of discovering a 'must see' TV programme on ITV1. I know many already watch it, but Harry Hill's TV Burp is a perfectly pitched half hour of TV - mocking trashy TV but deep down loving it.

Interestingly, although it gets massive viewing figures, there was not a single paid-for ad in the mid show break this past Saturday. Are things really that bad at ITV, or do they just not know the programme's audience??

Website of the week - #32

Once again I'm going to plug the wonderful PostSecret site - it contains such great stuff.

Particularly liked this and this

And when Bagpuss went to sleep...

Been to Leeds and back today to be a presence at a particular event. Been a long day - complete with getting the 7.10am train from Kings X - and I'm again reminded how I love London at that time in the morning. The tube is busier than you'd imagine it would be at 6.30am on a weekend morning - a strange combination of early morning cleaners going to work, bemused tourists who've just arrived on the red eye flight overnight, and weary clubbers returning home.

I know I'm tired - returning home I'm listening to Radio Jackie ("the sound of south west London live from Tolworth Towers" - apparently this is a selling point?!?) and finding deep meaning in the lyrics of Rick Astley and Avril Lavigne... Definitely time for sleep!

You know you're not trendy when...

Heard a few rave things about Arcade Fire - sounds like my sort of stuff. Make note to buy it but no great rush.

Later I'm walking around my local Sainsburys and I happen upon the CD aisle. Am amazed to find that not only do they stock the CD, but it's sitting pretty at #1 in their charts.

Am pleased to find it so easily - but slightly disappointed that I'm not as trendy as I perhaps hoped....

Nowt as strange as folk

Am discovering that writers are a little strange - and yes, I'm aware of the irony...

One of the group shared some scenes of a sitcom he was working on. Some of it was fine, some quite good stuff, but then we got to the 'comedy black character'. Oh dear. Well, there was a debate... No, if you made them Scottish that wouldn't be better...

Actually, to his credit he did accept our point - the ethnicity was completely irrelevant - and he agreed to change the character. Talking it over with someone else they commented "well, he is writing for a type of market."

"What?" I replied, "1978?"

All about the location

Apologies, but just catching up with some postings.

Watched an episode of Relocation, Relocation, Relocation, that I'd recorded - felt it important that Kirstie and I spent some quality time together...

In this episode a theatre director/writer and an opera singer were considering relocating to Paris and were duly shown some beautiful apartments near the Bastille with views across the city. Then they had a change of heart and had a rethink. Next we saw them looking at properties in Crystal Palace and Sydenham.

Now, Crystal Palace and Sydenham are both perfectly pleasant places - lots of space, restaurants and lovely views across London.

But c'mon... Crystal Palace v Paris??? Sydenham v Bastille???

Can we just test the levels??

Once again I find myself in a radio studio early on a Sunday morning.

I don't mind appearing an idiot - the quotation "better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt" springs to mind - but I'd hate something which I'm there to represent to come across poorly. It seemed to go well - perhaps even the odd intelligent thing came out of my mouth...

The one thing I did enjoy is London early on a Sunday morning - it is such a different city. I love the peace and tranquility you can still find in the midst of a world city - if you just know what time to find it...

A week is a long time...

Having said normal service would resume, what happens? No posting for several days. Well, it's been a real up and down week.

Monday - a day of seemingly endless meetings. Begin to wonder whether meetings are just a way to enable lonely office workers to meet others...

Tuesday - have to do a presentation to the Audit Committee on how we account for pensions. Yep, it really is as dull as it sounds... The day is enlivened with the birth of a daughter to friends - wonderful, wonderful news.

Wednesday - the past two days, and with significant pharmaceutical assistance, I have struggled into work feeling distinctly under the weather. This was a day too many and I retreat to back under the duvet for the rest of the day...

Thursday - back into work and catch up with things. Get a text, my Grandma has been taken into hospital. An hour later a message is left on my voice mail - I return the call as soon as possible. Sad news, my Grandma has died. Whilst not entirely unexpected - she was in her 80s and had been ill recently - there is still that element of shock at receiving the news. In the evening I go and see some of the family.

Friday - a day of being with the wider family and doing what I can, however insignificant. Arrangements have been made and once again, in a few days, the wider family will gather. I know that stereotypically families often solely catch up at weddings, funerals and bar mitzvahs. Whilst it will be good to see everyone again - and for us gathering at bar mitzvahs would be a major change - I can't help feeling it would nice if it were at something other than another funeral...

Website of the week - #31

A vital website highlighting a serious problem - see here.

If you need help there also an invaluable 12 step programme.

We apologise for the interuption to your service...

Apologies for the erratic nature of the recent updates. Last few weeks have been very hectic, hence the long delays between posts. I've done some updates and hopefully the posting will return to normal soon.

Well, whatever passes for 'normal' in the world of smittyonline...

Like a horse and carriage

This article caught my eye. It appears that the average age for blokes to get married is currently 36.2 and it's 33.6 for women.

Now, I'm a pretty average bloke...

I'm about to turn 36...

Where do 33.6 year old single women hang out.?.?

...and I think you're...

Just been on the final module of the leadership development course which work sent me on. Upon reflection the programme has been interesting, fun, and a little strange. For example, the final session we were in our small groups (6-7 people) and we had to share 'an appreciation' and 'an encouragement' with each member of group.

We'd prepared these and then said them out loud to each other. Giving the 'appreciation' and the 'encouragement' was fine - but sitting there as 6 other people shared with you some nice thoughts about how they saw you was a fairly weird and, to be honest, quite an emotional experience. Probably to do with being 'British' I guess. What we'd wrote we then handed over to the person - so I have half a dozen sheets of paper with some really nice words about me written on them.

Am I going to share them with the blog? Hell no - what's said in the group stays in the group!

Website of the week - #30

Everybody needs a hobby.

The Fuzz

So, how did I spend the day of lurve? Were various options;

* The usual? - continue the slow decline into alcoholism, loneliness and Pot Noodles - though as it's a 'special' day may be instead treat myself to something from the 'Tesco Finest' range...

* The proactive? - form a self help with Regretful Loners, SADFABs and SINBADs, hire a local community centre and talk it out...

* The reflective? - wonder what the male equivalent of the 'mad scary woman who lives with a lot cats' is and think 'well, that may be not so bad after all'...

;-)

Fear not, 'twas none of the above - I opted for a couple of hours of escapism and I headed to the movies.

As a big fan of Spaced - one of the best TV comedies in decades - I've been looking forward to the new Simon Pegg film, Hot Fuzz, for a while. It did not disappoint, absolutely superb. It does for buddy cop movies (complete with their homoerotic undercurrent) what the excellent Shaun of the Dead did for zombie films - it is both a wonderful spoof and a loving homage.

Not sure I can ever again wander down the high street of Wells - a beautiful cathedral city where a lot of it was filmed - and look at it in quite the same way again.

Inner Momentum

I've often thought that Cheshire is the Hertfordshire of the north - nice, fairly posh, undulating, no massive city and a commuter belt inhabited by executives, Premiership footballers and WAGS. I'm also not entirely sure what the point of it is... but I quite like it.

Spent a fascinating day there with a couple of members of my 'learning set'. We were spending time with a business leader - who'd been overseas, on the board of major companies, and in several non-exeutive director roles - to pick their brains about leadership. A riveting few hours which got me thinking. Here was a business leader who seemed grounded, pleasant, liked people and had not sold out on his core principles - a successful 'nice guy'.

I saw a lot of similarities between us (he'd also 'drifted into accountancy' and has a quirky sense of humour) but also a lot of differences! One phrase stuck in my mind. When asked what motivated him, the reply, after a pause, was "an inner momentum". I thought those few words contained a lot.

Website of the week - #29

And you thought you had a weird hobby and too much time on your hands??

Welcome to the world of Toast Art.

What not to do??

I'm guessing the following may not be the best phrases to put in any valentine card or letter??

"If loving you is so wrong, I don't want to be right..."

"You say stalking, I say showing an interest..."

"The restraining order only makes me love you more..."

Continual learning

Am discovering that aspiring writers can be a strange, slightly weird bunch.

I almost feel I fit in...

We, the undersigned...

You have to love democracy...

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/goldanthem/

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/juggle/

One month on...

How are your New Year's Resolutions going one month in?? Well, my three are progressing nicely - especially the third one.

One of the things that someone I know suggested was to try to chase up a friend once a week. I mean, with texts, blogs and email how difficult could it be???

Well so far I've failed badly - mea culpa. Fortunately, there are still 11 months to go so things will improve - you have been warned.

Didn't mean that to come across quite so menacingly...

Now, back to that third resolution...

Website of the week - #28

Do you sometimes think that people have way too much time on their hands???

Cats that look like Hitler

Last King of Scotland

This film is not a searing expose on the reign of Idi Amin - it's a rites of passage film about lost innocence. A young, naive Scottish doctor - who thinks too much with his trousers - is looking for adventure and ends up as the personal physician to the Ugandan leader. Gradually the scales fall from his eyes about Amin's rule - and that's it.

I found this a difficult film because in the end I didn't care about any of the characters, particularly the plight of the doctor who'd stumbled across more adventure than he could handle. Will he survive? Ultimately, in true Catherine Tate style, I wasn't bovvered.

However, do see this film for the stunning performance by Forest Whittaker. I'd love know if he's got the Ugandan accent 100% correct - it sounded OK to these untrained ears - but he marvellously portrays both the charisma and terror of Amin, and is by far the best cinematic performance I've seen all year.

Being a numpty

Now, I had intended that this blog would be enlivened with various photos of beautiful mountain tops covered with snow, and scenes of me looking dashing and rugged as I skied down the slopes.

Unfortunately I'm a numpty - between baggage carousel 4 and the short term car park at Stansted airport I managed to lose my backpack. Now, fortunately nothing of great value was in the bag - just my cheap digital camera, a couple of books, and a pack of fizzy cola bottles. Airport staff were helpful, but to no avail. No digital camera = no photos - and I'm really annoyed about the loss of the cola bottles!

On the plus side, my fears as I went back to search for the bag that I'd find a police corden, a controlled explosion, and an invitation to 'help police with their enquiries' didn't materialise.

Website of the week - #27

Sometimes do you just need to insult people with a little more style?

If so, this could be invaluable.

Clear skies, clear air and a clear mind ahead?

Been a busy couple of weeks - too busy hence a distinct lack of posting. There has been stuff at work, other things, times of reflection and challenge, and a couple of moments when I've had to stop and think 'what if?'

Overall a strange start to 2007 - have I got my priortites right? Probably not...

Anyway, tomorrow head off to the mountains for a week of peering down ski pistes and thinking, 'not sure about this' - then spotting my companions zooming away in the distance and thinking, 'oh well... he who dares... when's lunch?'

Hopefully the scenery, air, time with friends etc. will help to clear my head a bit. Who knows, even gain some perspective or deep insight? OK, I know, I'm just being silly now!

Postings will be lacking next week but will return the week after - possibly with beautiful photos of me being outdoorsy and rugged?!?

Website of the week - #26

No doubt the trendy ones of you have already seen this - best use of a treadmill I've seen lately.

Whatever you do, don't feed them!

Busy week ahead including the next phase of this 'leadership' course I've been doing. Spent this afternoon reviewing my notes and looking back on my 'personal branding statement' and 'gremlins' (see here).

Mentioned the gremlins notion in passing to my boss on Friday. "Why have all your gremlins got such camp names?" he asked. "Oh, so you named them." It was as though that seemed to explain everything...

I've struggled with the whole 'personal brand' idea - it's one which seems to be the illegitimate offspring of a brainstorming session between David Brent and In the Psychiatrists Chair. Also learnt today that 'brainstorming' is now a politically incorrect term as it has links to epilepsy. Even 'thought shower' is not really acceptable (not that such a profoundly stupid phrase ever was), so what we have to do is 'map our concepts'.

????

Anyway, was struggling with my branding statement and then thought about a line I heard in a film the other day. "Are you one of those people who are difficult to get to know, but if you do spend the time you turn out to be fabulous?"

Captures me way better than any branding statement.

The rise and rise of Jim Robinson

Ugly Betty seems to be a bit like Ally McBeal - only the office politics are set in the world of fashion and the lead character looks no stranger to a sandwich and hence more normal sized. Slightly worried we are only ever a few seconds away from a "why, Ms Suarez, you are beautiful after all" moment.

To be honest, so far I quite like it and I love all the slightly unexpected actors who seem to pop up. We have already had the wonderful Ashley Jensen (the funny one from Extras) as 'the good colleague' and the delightful Dawn Tinsley/Hayley from the Archers (Lucy Davis) as 'Fashion TV Anchor'.

However, you have to admire how well that Jim Robinson has done - CIA spook (X files), NCIS Director (NCIS) and he's even been made the Vice President of the USA (24), which is technically illegal as US Presidents/Vice Presidents have to born in the USA. He may now have become a magazine magnate, but for some of us his finest hour was as Marissa's step dad.

Not bad for a family man from Erinsborough.

At one with the mountains

Soon will be off to the mountains on a hastily arranged ski trip - looking forward to it.

Apparently the resort is the place to go this year - hip, full of Russian oligarchs and no doubt pricey. Fear not, I shall be at the cheap 'n' cheerful end of the resort!

Also read recently that the police had busted a 'high class prostitution ring'...

"Oliver Reed was in it...

...and so was Glenda Jackson."

Not a phrase I was expecting to hear during the first of a new class I've just embarked upon. I've got a lot on at the moment but hopefully things will calm down in a couple of weeks and, anyway, I need a distraction from 'sums', hence something new.

I often find first lessons a little strange - my main ambition is not to be the weirdest one in the class. Slightly worried in that on initial appearances I fear I could be the most 'normal' in this particular group - not good for them or me.

Still, early days and I'm sure my quirkiness will gradually emerge...

A snapshot of the village

One of the bizarre things about working in the 'Westminster village' - and somewhat alarmingly I've been there 7 years - are the various protests you come across.

Last night there was a bunch of Christians singing hymns due to some sexual orientation regulations being discussed; this morning there was a floatilla of boats on the Thames all sounding their horns about something or other.

You may not agree with them (surely there is something more important than being worried by the remote prospect of Christian guesthouses being overrun by the pink pound??) or even what they are protesting about (still not 100% sure what the boats and their horns were worried about) but the variety of protests adds to 'village life'.

Been a lack of protesters running around in Dom Joly style animal suits of late though...

Thought for the day

Can you lose something you've never really had?



I know - deep...

...or complete twaddle.

;o)

Website of the week - #25

I've been a bit remiss lately - sorry.

This is no Ron Burgundy - if only he'd learnt from the legendary anchorman.

A Prairie Home Companion

Garrison Keillor is a bit like Guinness or Marmite - an acquired taste which you either love or hate. The Simpsons captured it well - Homer and Bart were watching telly and zapped to a show with Garrison Keillor on it. The TV studio audience were in hysterics. Bart turned to Homer, "What's so funny?" Homer shrugs, "I dunno."

Robert Altman's last film was A Prairie Home Companion, an ensemble piece set around a recording of the eponymous show. If you like Keillor or have heard the show - which is a long running institution on National Public Radio in the USA and is broadcast on BBC7 (the best radio station in the UK by far) in the UK - then you'll 'get' the film and enjoy it. If you don't like Keillor, or indeed Altman's ensemble film making, you'll hate it.

Overall it's a quiet, low key and very 'brown-looking' final piece from Altman. The cast are good - especially Woody Harrelson - and it's a little reminiscent of Nashville, an earlier Altman work. It's neither Altman's best film, nor a masterpiece, but it is rather lovely.

I'm ashamed - I feel so dirty...

I couldn't help it - it was like rubber necking at a car crash. I know I shouldn't look but I kept flicking back to Celebrity BB. Unbelievable. Most of the Jackson 5 now see to be on reality style shows (Jermaine, Tito and Randy), we have a couple of ex pop moppets (apparently H, sorry Ian, came out yesterday - well I was shocked!?) and, bizarrely, Leo Sayer, Face from the A Team, and Ken Russell!

Do any of these people have agents? If so, how are they still retained? I mean how do you slip it into conversation with Ken Russell that going on Celeb BB is a good idea??

And then we have Cleo Rocos... Will anyone younger than me have even the faintest idea who she is - other than perhaps a poor Cherie Blair lookalike??

Horrible feeling is I fear being draw into its evil web...

New Year's Resolutions

Difficult to decide - perhaps I ought to take up smoking in order to give it up for the new year. I could always give up alcohol and chocolate - but let's not be rash here... we also need to be realistic.

Okay, my three resolutions are;

* end world hunger

* bring about world peace

* become one of the top 10 sexiest men in the UK

I know, I know - at least one of them might be tricky...

The year closes

Hope that you had good Christmas and New Year.

Deep down I have to admit that I've never been a huge fan of Christmas/New Year - often seems to be a damp squib to me. This probably means I'm doing it wrong but this year was OK - praise indeed!

Anyway, even for me this year's New Year's Eve was a bit disjointed. It started early in the morning (well, late the previous night) when I seemed to end up singing along to 'I want you back' and 'Sweet Home Alabama' on some PlayStation game - rarely a good thing.

The morning then drifted into lunch at a carvery - where else can you get suspiciously overgrown yorkshire puddings? Carveries are weird - they seem to exist solely for pensioners and families with small children - whole swathes of people are missing out on the delights of the prawn cocktail starter... Lunch was followed by a visit to a cemetery - not my idea - which was timed exactly as the wind and rain kicked up.

The evening was OK - a quiz, a puppet related moment (never a good idea), food and a youth band who were pretty good. They were also a bit loud - another moment to confirm the ageing process... As I said, overall a bit of a strange and disjointed day.

Not sure what the year ahead will bring. Can't say why but I sense it could be a year for 'moving on'. Don't mean to be cryptic and have no real reason for thinking so other than a 'feeling in me water'...

...yet another confirmation of ageing...

;o)

So, how was it for you?

So, farewell then 2006... Hope that as the year ends you get a chance to reflect on the past year - the good, the bad and the slightly weird.

Who knows what the year ahead will bring - a move, a new job, plastic surgery?? Whatever the year ahead has in store for all of us, I hope that you have a happy new year.

Wheel of Life

The New Year approaches. How balanced is your life? I got sent the following recently...

Draw a large circle to represent a wheel. Draw eight spokes in the wheel - dividing the circle into eight segments. Each spoke is a dimension of your life and you place a mark on a spoke to symbolise how satisfied you are with that aspect on a scale of 1-10 - 1 is near the centre of the circle/wheel and means you're dissatisfied, 10 is on the edge of the circle/wheel and shows you're very happy with that aspect of life.

The categories are;
* career
* physical environment
* personal growth
* money
* fun and recreation
* love and romance
* friends and family
* health

Somehow I seem to have a flat tyre...

;-)

Fresh air goes to head...

Apparently on a recent flight in the USA one of the attendants, in addition to pointing out that the emergency exits are "here, here and here", said,


"And for those of you on the way to visit relatives for Christmas, rest assured that we have plenty of liquor on board if you need to get started now."


Was back in Brum catching up with friends and family over Christmas and now in north Devon for a couple of days. Spent yesterday having a little waddle in the Exmoor countryside around Tarr Bridge - it's always good to escape from the claustrophobia that can occur in London.


I sometimes wonder how different things would have been had I not ended up in London. I'm not thinking about 'what if'; I just find it intriguing that at certain points life could have gone in a different direction - not better or worse, just different.


Hey, it's new year, if you can't get navel gazing and reflective around this time of year, when can you??

;o)

Central London, Christmas Day, 2006

Say it with lights...

I was amazed how busy some places were...

But some iconic sights were quieter...

The Smittyonline Christmas Newsletter

Well, I've been threatening this for a while....



Can it really be only a year since I was last putting pen to paper (or should that be finger to keypad!) and updating you all with things chez Smittyonline? Where does the time go??

Once again it's been a busy year. My career continues to go from strength to strength and I'm often to be found stalking the corridors of power going from one high powered meeting to the next. Busy, busy, busy, but also a honour to serve.

My wife, Jemima, had another busy year in the world of celebrity charity fundraising dinners which she helps to organise. She does so much for lots of needy causes (she doesn't like to talk about it!) and can often be seen in the background of those photos of celebrities on the society pages in such publications as Tatler, The Lady, and Horse and Hound.

Two particular events stand out. First was the dinner held to raise funds to help the plight of vegetarian crocodiles in Africa. This is a scandalously overlooked animal welfare issue and few of us there will forget the moving speech - complete with PowerPoint presentation! - given by H from Steps.

The second was the symposium about the fate of celebrities after appearing on I'm a Come Dancing Big Brother Get me Outta Here and the issues they face prior to be being released back into society. It was an eclectic meeting chaired by Germaine Greer (though she had to leave before the end) and there were incisive contributions from Vanessa, Jade, Preston, and some bloke who used be a first class cricketer.

How she fits it all in and has managed to raise the four children I'll never know - but we'd both like to thank the maid (Irena), the two nannies (Martina and Winifred), the fine minor public schools of the Home Counties, and the wonderful Polish man who comes in to deal with those tricky DIY problems.

Our eldest son, Cuthbert, has successfully started a career in the city. This year his bonus was very generous (so glad we scrimped to pay those school fees!) and he can often be found visiting his money in Liechtenstein or the Cayman Islands. I'm delighted to say that money hasn't changed him - he's still self assured, confident, cocky little s-o-b we all know and love. Only joking Cuthbert!

We are never entirely sure what our youngest son, Gerald, is up to - but he always has several projects on the go and is never short of money. This year he was doing some work in the hospitality industry and knew a lot of delightful young girls who were aspiring models. Later on he was working in the pharmaceutical industry and he was often so busy that the job required 3 mobile phones!

As in previous years we have little to say about eldest daughter, Esmeralda. We just hope that the new experimental treatment being offered by her Austrian doctor at the private Swiss sanatorium proves to be more successful than previous therapies.

Our youngest daughter, Boadicea (not pictured), continues to be full of beans. In the past year she has completed BAGA level 3, begun to speak Urdu, taken up the harp and was selected for the South West London under 7 water polo and synchronised diving team - fingers crossed for 2012! She continues to do well at school, is advanced for her age and is one of the best read 4 year olds in her tumble tots group.

With the ever changing tax situation we found ourselves overseas for much of the year (come on Gordon, play fair!) though we did manage to fit in a visit to a wonderfully retro guesthouse for a bracing week in Skegness in November. Again as a family we tried to act philanthropically throughout the year and when one Westminster based organisation asked I was only happy to offer financial support (at commercial rates I might add!) to assist them through a minor financial blip. Regretfully my actions have been misconstrued by certain media organisations and once again it appears that my elevation to the peerage has been delayed by a minor administrative misunderstanding.This, combined with other continuing minor legal matters, mean that it's unlikely I will be returning to the UK for a few months - I know Jemima and children would value your support during these difficult days whilst I am in south America.

So another year closes! Sorry we've not been able to be in touch with you during the year - you know how things can get! We hope that this little update on our lives is appreciated - you can see how busy we've been! So we wish you all a Happy Christmas and a prosperous New Year - (though not as prosperous as us - only joking!) and hope that amongst all the celebration you have an opportunity to reflect and think about what's important in your life.

Smittyonline, Jemima, Cuthbert, Gerald and Boadicea.

Snippets

Overheard part 1

Exasperated mother to child whilst out Christmas shopping, "you're not the only whose bored!"

Child's wonderfully logical reply,"well, if you're bored as well, why don't we go home?"

Overheard part 2

Said regretfully, "there's only one lot of drink coming with the delivery."

Overheard part 3

One woman to her friend, "well... do you still have feelings for him?"

The friend paused and I didn't get to hear the reply as I was passing - but if she has, he's lucky guy!

Surreal sight

A massive 'Next Sale Style' queue to get into the local cheese shop.

Things that make you go hmmm??

"OK, let me get this right. You're buying your wife an Oystercard for Christmas, and you're buying bicycle lights??

...and I'm the one whose single?!?"

A seasonal message

I wanted to send you a holiday greeting, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that England is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

London Calling

What do you reckon are the top 5 iconic landmarks in London??

• The London Eye?
• Piccadilly Circus with a red London bus going by?
• Buckingham Palace?
• Houses of Parliament?
• The 'Gherkin'?

What says 'London' to you?

New Take That Split??

Everytime I see the poster for Take That's new album I think, "have they upset Mark Owen?"

Website of the week - #24

We appear to have a minor celeb in the family. Not only did he appear in the Birmingham Evening Mail on Friday, but turn to page 34 in Saturday's Daily Express and there he is again (couldn't find a weblink for that).

What amused me is the Daily Express, up to I suspect their usual journalistic standards, have added 3 years to his age - making him older than me!

It's Christmas time...

...so time to go and see the annual Christmas themed rom-com. Never quite sure why I do this - last year it was The Family Stone and this year it is The Holiday. Okay, Claire Danes, Cameron Diaz and especially Kate Winslet may have something to with it... If you like rom-coms - and I've admitted that I have soft spot for the odd one - then you'll enjoy The Holiday. If you don't, it isn't going to convert you.

Cameron Diaz does 'the Cameron Diaz role' excellently, ladies will love Jude Law and even Jack Black just about gets away being a romantic lead. Chuck in a couple of cute moppets and the typical Hollywood view of England, i.e. everyone lives in a quaint cottage in a rural village, and it always snows around Christmas, and it passes the 'Ronseal Test.'

It's enjoyable, charming, funny, and contains some very knowing observations about being a singleton at Christmas. Kate Winslet is simply wonderful - though I'm probably biased here. There are worse ways to spend a couple of hours - Christmas shopping for example.

Well, I've never done that before

I've lived in London for over 10 years. So far I have managed to avoid the eaterie experience that is an Angus Steak House. A friend was in town for a couple of days and being all 'ironic' we ended up at such a place last night. Oh dear - another 10 year wait would still be way too soon to repeat the eating experience...

Still, we spied Gillian Taylforth tottering up Shaftebury Avenue.

Lionel Blair and Gillian Taylforth in the same week - that's why I live in London.

Ah, the glamour

...saw Lionel Blair at lunchtime...

...he has a glowing tone...

Website of the week - #23

Another way to waste time.

Enjoy.

A typical (for me) pre-Christmas conversation

Friend and/or relative, "So, what do you want for Christmas?"

Me, "Nothing."

"Come on, what do you want?"

"Nothing, I don't think I want anything in particular."

"Seriously, I've got to get you something. What do you want?!"

"OK - Sandra Bullock, Kate Winslet, or Elliot, the kooky doctor from Scrubs."

"Gift voucher OK?"

Have you ever...

...sent an email and several hours later thought 'perhaps not such a good idea, what have I done?'

The next station is...

On the train tonight the automatic station announcements had gone slightly wrong. Instead of saying "the next station is Mortlake" it said "the next station is Mortimer" - it sounded better.

For a brief moment South West Trains appeared human.