To all Simon Cowell wannabes....

When I started this blog back in November I emailed several people who I thought might be interested, or who at least wouldn’t disown me. I said it would be an experiment and after about six months there would be a sort of Pop Idol type feedback time. Now is that moment, so slip into your high waisted Simon Cowell style trousers and let me know what you think.

For what it’s worth here is my two cents worth...
..I’ve enjoyed writing it - I said I’d update it about 3 times a week and on the whole I have..
..It’s evolved differently than I thought. Less funnies and probably been more melancholy than I intended. Most people who try/want to be funny have a ‘darker’ side - the whole ‘tears of a clown thing’(?) - so perhaps not a shock. If I continue I’d definitely try to up the funny quotient..
..It’s been interesting to discover what some people have read into what I’ve written. For example, some felt the 14th Feb entry was quite hard on myself which was far from my intention. With a blog being written it’s more difficult to time the pause, change the 'tone' of my voice or raise the eyebrow as I might if I was ’performing’ it - I have to work on how I convey things better..
..I’ve probably been more open/honest than I first thought. Other than the known deleted post everything remains in all its glory. I hope that I’ve neither been too shocking or offended people - definitely not my intention and if I have I apologise..
..I wish I'd put a web counter on from start. More people read this than I ever thought would - and huge thanks to those who have emailed or talked to me about it - but I'd have been interested to see how many I've lost/gained over the past few months..

To tempt (?) you I’ve already got thoughts on the next stage..
..the blog will be redesigned - different layout and I might even have worked out how to upload photos..
..I’ll up the funny quotient - with the aim of restoring some ‘life’ into my work/life balance I’m embarking on a couple of new things (one of you guessed very accurately about one of them and thanks for your feedback & encouragement - invaluable). If nothing else they will give plenty of ‘embarrassing story’ potential..
..I’ll try to uncover more strange stuff on the interweb. As a taster, this (bad dates) is a website you really don’t want to feature in (warning - some of it is quite rude, but there is lots of less rude but very funny stuff)..

Let me know your thoughts - comments can be left anonymously (if I’ve set it up right) or you can email me direct at smittyonline@hotmail.com.

What would Simon say?? So, is this it? You decide!!

It's the thought that counts

I enjoy giving presents - enjoy trying to find things to give people, things I think they might like or raise a smile. It's fair to say that I perhaps have a slightly eclectic slant on the types of presents I give. Indeed some of you reading this have been the lucky recipients/poor souls who have received various annuals, strange CDs, mountain horns or cow bells - if it's a 'landmark' birthday or I'm returning from holiday, beware.

Last week I went down to Salisbury and Stonehenge for the day - never been there so thought I'd give it a whirl. Confession time - I like stone circles and 'henges'. I think they are fascinating and the best bit about them is their apparent pointlessness. What were they for? Religious ceremonies? Bizarre ancient sports? Early attempts at community theatre? Or are they there to act as landing site guides for the arrival of UFOs?? Who knows??

Have to say Stonehenge was very disappointing both in terms of its scale and the 'experience'; Avebury is much better as you can get up close and hug the henge. However, the gift shop was a marvelous collection of expensive tat and kitsch - so many temptations for me to buy stuff as gifts and particularly tempted by the Stonehenge snowglobe, but felt £9.99 was a tad steep.

Then went to Salisbury Cathedral. Was interesting being stuck behind a group of French teenagers being taking around with a very British 'blue rinse' cathedral guide outlining the delights to them (in French). How disappointed must they have been? You're 15, you're off to England with your friends - where do you end up? Going around a 13th century cathedral in rural England behind a woman of 'certain years'; like you don't have 13th century cathedrals in France.

However, just as English Heritage giftshops can be a wonderful source of my 'unique' presents - so can cathedral shops. Salisbury was no exception as it had the usual collection of Celtic crosses, bizarre teatowels and strange fudge & clotted cream. What really interested me was that in their book section, amongst the usual collection of Bibles and writings by CS Lewis and the Archbishop of Canterbury, there were the biographies of Eric Sykes, Billy Connolly, Frankie Howerd and, if I recall correctly, Les Dawson! Truly wonderful and very British.

Then the other day I came across this - if only I'd seen it a few months ago this could have made an excellent present for a couple of people. From there I then also discovered that the Mandy Annual is still going strong. I know, I'm showing far too much knowledge here - but I love the idea of calling mags for girls Jackie and Mandy. What would the equivalent be for boys - Brain and Dave??


tangent/ tonight as a young(ish) intelligent and cultural person was I off out to a meal with friends and sophisticated conversation, a trip to the theatre, maybe a gallery? No, I went and bought a new vacuum cleaner. Sometimes my life is beyond parody :o) /end tangent

May the force be with you

OK - I know this isn't partcularly new, but I came upon this page today.

See how strong the force is in the area you live (click here).

And you can find out more useful information about where you live (click here).

It's websites like this that make the internet such a wonderful thing.

You know you're unfit when......

...... the most intense aerobic exercise you've done recently was changing the sheets and duvet cover.... and you needed a rest.....

.... is it just my mind or does that sound like slang for something else?

.... just me then.....

Wonky and Restless

Got my second pair of glasses and, as is usually the irony in these situations, the 'spare' pair probably look better and certainly feel more comfortable than my expensive sexy pair.

Have to admit that I find choosing specs quite difficult. Glasses are your most personal piece of clothing - you wear them all the time, they frame your face, they can enhance or hide your eyes (your windows to your soul), and, importantly, they can make your face look fatter or thinner.

The worst moment is when you try on the new pair, look in the mirror and see your new specs sitting lopsidedly on your face. You hope that the specs are slightly wrong, but then the truth dawns - you have a wonky face. You and the assistant then grapple with the frames for 10mins desperately trying to hid this fact and at least make your specs appear to sit straight. Then later, you take them off in a meeting, place them on the table and somebody looks at them, "your glasses don't seem right, are they damaged?"...... Pause... "The glasses are fine, it's me face that's wonky."

Leads to the old joke, "why is his nickname Isaiah? Because one eye is higher than the other" (thank you very much, I'm here all week). Vanity, vanity, all is vanity.

Current mood is restless.

Even More Random Stuff

You know you're unfit when you're out of breath from pumping up the tyres on the bike before you even start to cycle....... Though did manage to cycle about 20 miles without medical intervention, which was encouraging. Even cycled a little bit 'no handed' and thought to myself 'still got it', which was very sad.

Is there a self help book for people addicted to self help books?? What would you call it??
... Taking a Taxi Along the Road Less Travelled...
... Put the Drum Down, Back Away From the Beat...
... Learn to Love Being A Woman Who Loves Too Much...

Who are they?? Exactly.

I have just witnessed history. Today I was at the match which saw Accrington Stanley return to the Football League. If you are a football fan your heart should miss a beat.

If you're not a football fan you've probably heard of Accrington Stanley for one of two reasons - they infamously left the Football League in 1962 due to bankruptcy, and they 'starred' in a milk ad in the 80s.

Their fans had travelled down to Woking and were in amazing voice - one even had an old wooden football rattle that I didn't think existed outside Pathe newsreel film. There was a dodgy penalty decision - the penalty was then saved, retaken and saved again. All we needed was a old bald bloke with no teeth wearing a flat cap and welling up with emotion at his clubs long desired return to league football and we could have had ever football nostalgia cliche going.......

Tangent/ It may be I notice this more as I get older but the linesman (sod this assistant referee rubbish) looked about 12 and didn't appear to have started shaving yet. Seriously, I wouldn't have served him a pub...... /end of 'grumpy old bloke' tangent.

More Random Stuff

In yesterday's Independent there was an article on Lifestyle Quotient (LQ - see here). Perhaps foolishly I gave it a go. Confirmed what I feared - my result;

"LQ? What LQ? You're just a pair of ill-fitting tracksuit bottoms away from being beyond help! Vicky Pollard is a TV character, not a style inspiration. Get out more often, and that doesn't include the local kebab house. Your life's a cultural desert; take a trip to the theatre or even a gallery."

But I go to theatres and galleries - guess I either need more gadgets or beauty treatments.....

Tangent - noticed the local shopping centre had a chocolate fountain today. People queuing up to get marshmallows or fruit dipped in the fountain. I was shocked. Not only did it not look that appetising, but to defile chocolate with pieces of fruit........ wasteful......

Take The High Road

One good thing to come of irregular sleeping is you discover radio programmes you never normally come across. This past Saturday was one example.

Waking up about 5.40am flicked on the radio to discover a delightful programme on The Animals' VC - poochies getting gongs for valour and bravery (look here). A fantastic 15 minute programme.

After that was Open Country. I'd come across this before and quite why Radio 4 bury it away at 6am on Saturday I've no idea. This edition fascinated me a bit more because it was about Iona (see here) and twice in the past week I'd been asked "Are you going to Iona?"

This question is not quite as random as first sounds as at the end of May there is the Greenbelt Iona week. I'm not going for purely practical reasons - the main one being that I love Scotland, would love to go, but would want to combine it with another week or two seeing other parts of that beautiful country, particularly I'd like to go back to the highlands and islands - stunning. Getting 2/3 weeks off work at that time of year is pretty much a non-starter so, unfortunately, I'll miss out on Iona this time. Hopefully later in the year I can rectify that; it won't be the same and listening to the programme early on Sat morning just gave me a tinge of regret.

For those who are going, have a listen - it's repeated on Radio Four, this Thursday, 1.30pm or can listened to via the weblink above.

HBTM

Today is my birthday. I thought I'd include an entry from the greatest diarist of our generation when they reached the same age.

"My birthday. I am thirty five today. I am officially middle-aged. It is all downhill from now. A pathetic slide towards gum disease, wheelchair ramps and death." Adrian Mole - Wednesday 2nd April, 2003

I'm guessing he's more a glass half empty man?? Plus he had the distraction of flirty text messages with a beautiful woman based on Mr Kipling's cakes. No, I'm not making that up - read the last diary - you'll never look at a french fancy or a slice of battenburg in the same way!

Today's been good - I've spent an almost obscene amount of money on a new pair of sexy specs (there is an irony in getting your eyetest done on your birthday), I've tried something new (went to a beauty shop - it involved wax - let's draw a veil there....), I've already had some excellent cards and presents, and meeting up with old friends for a meal tomorrow.

One present was a lovely pink tie - beginning to wonder just how much pink I carry off......

Not too bad.?.?.?

Experiment over. Hope the post wasn't too dull, too long or too shocking.

Thanks for all who've emailed - all much appreciated.

'Normal' blog service resumes - now.

Work it baby?

Once again, last night after a regular monthly evening meeting I just felt too knackered to join people in the pub. This is becoming a bad habit - always turn up with the good intention of being more social, but as the evening goes on - and with it being a Monday as well - I just feel my energy levels disappear and once again, disappointingly for me, call it an earlyish night.

Guessing my cunning plan of perking up my energy with a mix of KitKats and bananas might need a revisit! Hopefully a few days off at Easter will help but apparently exercise can boost the energy levels, though that sounds a tad radical. However came across this on the interweb;

"Poledancing for fitness - Catch on to the trend that has now exploded with celebrities like Pamela Anderson, Sadie Frost and Pink endorsing it as a great way to keep fit, get toned and build confidence..."

Fitness, toning and confidence - all areas I could work on. Perhaps this could be the answer? Then again me 'shaking my moneymaker' perhaps doesn't bear thinking about...

Feel I ought to point out that I don't sit around googling 'poledancing' - I stumbled upon the above by accident. No, honestly..... seriously.... please believe me....

Look it was here - just above how to beat the hosepipe ban. Not even I would make that up....

Fuzzy Reception

Sometimes I just know that I'm on a completely different wavelength to others. The morning service at church highlighted it again.

At one point the person leading the service said, "and now just speak out loud to God what's on your mind." I just wanted to say,"why?....... why?........ why?............... Delilah."

Later a clip from the Passion of the Christ was shown. Fear not, it was the children's version - less gore and no Aramaic - a cartoon version. The clip was Judas making his deal to betray Jesus. As he picked up his 30 pieces of silver and walked out the room the soundtrack burst into song,

"Hey Judas, what's it all about?
Now you've gone and sold everybody out.
Hey Judas, you dirty, evil crook.
That's what will be written 'bout you in every history book."

Unbelievable and absolutely hilarious - you'd never come up with a spoof as nearly as funny as that; if only it were one.

Jumpers for Goalposts

There is something uniquely British about going to a non-league football match - suppose the nearest equivalent is probably high school 'football' in small town USA.

At the last minute went to a Conference match yesterday and it had all the non-league essentials;
...you could get bovril with your hot dog...
...a minute's silence at the start of the match - not for a famous star but for the 'Fixtures Secretary' of the club who'd died that week - a nice touch I felt...
...the assistant referee going off injured after 30mins and the PA announcement that if there is a "FA County qualified official in the ground could they make themselves know to stand in as the fourth official"...
...a group of screaming schoolchildren celebrating a 7 year old's birthday...
...the match sponsor was the local fish and chip shop...
...in the programme there was one page which contained adverts for a local restaurant in an 'idyllic setting', a wedding photographer, and the local funeral directors...

An excellent way to spend a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon. Even had the bonus of during the warm up the goalkeeper rugby tackling the club mascot - which the 7 year olds loved. Unfortunately the mascots head fell off - this, I felt, let daylight in upon magic.